I thought I just had to be macho...

Turns out being a man is kinda the opposite. As much as my pitiful little pride wanted to feel sorry for myself, as much as I thought I might have an excuse to put myself first, every logical molecule in my body told me otherwise. Every moderately mature segment of my gray matter told me that there are many things that are more important than myself, and this is most certainly one of them.

The selfish, teenage remnants of my reason tugged and clawed at surprisingly unswaying, somewhat newly-found emotional maturity. Shards of self-pity, bound by sticky pride and speckled with sickening urges to stomp my feet in defiance were slowly and completely pulled apart, cleaned off, and put back in their place as the irrefutably powerful force of love for another human being swelled and choked out the selfishness poisoning my psyche.

It's not often that I can get myself to a mentality where I can actually sense the gap between my body and soul. Distraction caused by material possessions, work, and unnecessary emotional instability typically prevent me from experiencing this welcome clarity, but during the times when I know I truly value soul over body, selfishness seems to dissolve and, however briefly it may be, I feel like my priorities are in order. It was during one of these brief moments as I was biking home from work that I realized that I will not, under any circumstances, even hint at any selfish inklings at a time in someone's life when they absolutely need me the most.

To be part of someone's life in a way that is anything but superficial is flat-out indescribable. The excitement and joy I feel for being hand-picked to be a positive influence on someone's spiritual life is immeasurable. The intense satisfaction of doing something with my life that means more than all the construction plans, budget estimates, and document interpretations than I've ever done is uplifting and is the fuel that causes me to continue working hard at everything I do.

Schedules, appointments, plans, physical goals....they fly by in the blink of an eye. And what have we got to show for it? I did this, I did that, but who cares? That was yesterday, where am I now? Where will I be tomorrow? If time keeps exponentially accelerating like it has since I had kids, and I don't mean to sound morbid, but I'm gonna be dead before I know it. I thank God for using so many earthly signs and "coincidences" to let me know that he is going to help me be a less selfish person. That he is going to clear my head of damaging and fruitless wants and thoughts that I once believed were needs, but are really just the whining and complaining of an immature and inconsiderate spoiled brat.

Not saying these thoughts are never going to cross my mind again, but I trust that this experience and the lessons that God has taught me from it will help me to recognize future selfish thoughts for what they are. I also trust that He will teach me that selfless attitude and actions are ultimately the most satisfying approach to human interaction, and provide a brief glimpse of what it will be like to live without pain, without loss, without time, in a perfect place, feeling nothing but love, forever.